Finding the Bliss in Being Alone

Faced, as I am from time to time, with the uncomfortable sensation of being alone in public, whether in a restaurant, at a bar or some other place in which the luxury of a companion would be highly appreciated, I realize the growing need for myself to learn to become comfortable when alone. I have fought my solitude in the past with a book, or magazine or perhaps staring off at some mundane event on the television provided at the bar, however, I have never quite settled into the idea that this was comfortable for me. Now don't get me wrong, I can appreciate the experience of enjoying a perfect old fashioned with no one to interrupt or the joy of dining in silence when presented with a great meal but there is still a level of uncertainty that I can’t seem to shake.

I think one of my most uncomfortable experiences was dining at St. Elmo’s Steak House in Indianapolis. The maitre de sat me in the middle of the main dining room, at a table for four, surrounded with tables full of people enjoying their dining companions. I sat there, quietly, barely enjoying my scotch and wedge salad as I began to become acutely aware of that feeling that I was on display. I finished my meal at St. Elmo's and raced back to the comfort of my hotel room, all the while wishing that I didn't feel like a leper. It is, after all, part of our nature to want to be in the company of others. Part of our nature to want to flee from lonely or uncomfortable situations.

Recently, on a trip to St. Paul, I finally found my stride. I made reservations for a table for one, grabbed a good book and stormed off to face my fear head on. The key this time was in explaining that I was dining alone and in asking for a tucked away table. The hostess escorted me to a very nice booth towards the back of the restaurant. I had a wonderful meal, got some reading done and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I happily devoured my bread with olive oil, my capellini pomodoro, my two (yes two) glasses of champagne then finished off my celebration of myself with a coffee and a lemon custard cake. One thing I did not feel? Fear. There was no one there to judge my eating habits, how slow I ate or whether or not I was a good conversationalist. I realized that it was not the being alone that I was afraid of, it was the fear of being judged for being alone. I actually enjoyed the experience. Looking at it in a much different light than before, it's really is quite the luxury.